I have no idea what to call this post. In fact, I have no idea what this post is even going to be about. I just opened this up and decided to just start writing. Do you ever get those days where getting out of bed and facing the world seems like the hardest thing you’ll ever have to do? I’m currently having one of those weeks.
I forced myself to go to university on Monday despite everything in my head screaming at me to stay in bed. I forced myself to go to work and my afternoon appointment yesterday even though I knew it wouldn’t make me feel any better. Today I caved and decided I’d spend the day in bed, sleeping, pretending to watch TV and eating everything because I’m stressed and worried and scared. I thought it would make me feel better but it turns out it’s only made me feel worse. In fact, now that I haven’t moved all day I don’t know how I’m going to convince myself that facing tomorrow will be any better.
I’m having a down moment which comes around every now and again. It’s part of my depression and my anxiety but it’s hard to accept. I don’t want to spend days stuck in bed doing nothing or crying because I don’t want to go to work or university. I don’t want stare at my ceiling only to find I’ve wasted days doing nothing. I want to find the energy to get up and face the day and tell my anxiety to shut up but I don’t know how to do that. I’m trying really hard but I’m struggling to move past this current downer.
This time last week I found out I failed all of my exams for the second year in a row. That’s pretty disheartening when you know you did your best and studied so hard. People tell you hard work reaps rewards but I didn’t get the rewards for my hard work. Instead, I got an email from a lecturer emphasising his disappointment at our lack of hard work and enthusiasm throughout the year. Now I’m stuck at a crossroad trying to figure out my next move. There are cars behind me beeping and shouting at me to move forward but I can’t. I’ve tried turning up the music to block it all out but I can still hear it if I concentrate really hard. I want to move the car forward, even if only slowly at first, and continue because I know it’s what I have to do. Yet I’m scared that if I move forward too fast I’ll hit another crossroad.
Instead, despite knowing I will regret it later, I’ve pulled myself away from university to take some me time. My education is very important to me. I want that degree more than I’ve ever wanted anything in my life but right now my health is more important to me. I’m struggling but there is one key thing I am shouting to remember – this time last year I could tell that I needed space. Instead, I just kept pushing forward until I broke. This year I’m not going to break. I feel rubbish, numb, worthless, stupid, angry, mad, anxious, fearful, terrified, confused and a thousand other emotions that I don’t even know how to express. But I’m slowly moving forward and that’s okay. I’m going to be okay. Even if it takes me another three weeks, I will be okay.